How to build trust that lasts?

There is an old saying, "without trust, there is no love." Is this true?

Well, one thing is for sure: love with trust lasts a lot longer than love without it.

Are you struggling to find trust in your relationship? Losing trust for a partner is not uncommon. Events or personality differences treated the wrong way, will erode trust in our loved one.

Insults, put-downs, disrespect, affairs, flirting (with others), mismanagement of business or money, and numerous other things will all contribute to losing trust.

How do we build trust? How do we stop erosion and rebuild trust?


The answer is ACCEPTANCE.


It isn't as if certain behaviors are to be accepted, at all times, and just accepted. However, there is no basis for change or improvement without trust, and the only way to get someone to trust is to accept them for who they are.

There are many differences between people in relationships. I have noticed, in my own relationships, that often, one person is tight with money, the other has a hole in their pocket; one is a stickler for being on time, the other slack and often late; one keeps a tidy house and likes dishes done and the bed made, the other leaves their clothes on the floor; one is a morning person, the other a night owl; one is great at coming up with ideas, the other better at implementing them. These differences go beyond the "opposites attract" theory. Being different is vital to a successful relationship, as these differences help us make up for what we lack. With our partner's strengths, we are a stronger couple than we are individually.

However, when we put down our differences, and/or try to create a strength in our partner's area of lack, we convey disrespect -- because we are not accepting our partner for who they are.

If one partner wants to be on time and values schedules, is it disrespectful for the other partner to be slack, if this is how they operate? Probably not. If one person wants to relax, but their partner wants to hurry them up to be on time to that party they were going to, is the person pushing being disrespectful? Probably not. Both are right, in a sense, as there is no absolute "right way" of doing these things.

Imagine the likelihood to create change in a partner by using any of the following comments as a startup for conversation:

"You're selfish."

"You're disrespectful. Why can't you see that being on time matters to me?"

"Where did my clothes go? I left them out to wear that again! Did you take them?"

"How many times do I have to tell you or ask you..."

"Why are you just sitting there meditating? We have things to do today!"

"Can't you see that I like a neat bed?"

"What's more important, me or that football game on T.V.?"

"You're so negative! Why can't you be more positive?"

This type of communication is harsh and confrontational. The person making the request for change actually comes off equally or perhaps more selfish or even hypocritical, because they haven't conveyed any acceptance for the other person's personal way of doing things. The likelihood of successful resolution (without fight or argument) with these comments is practically nil.

However, imagine the possibility to create change in these exact same instances, with a different communication approach:

"Honey, I realize you have some needs here, such as having me talk with you a certain way, I am a little stressed when you bring up this issue at this particular time, though..."

"Sweetheart, I can see that you have some things you want to do, and they are important to you. We did want to be at dinner by 7:30pm, though, didn't we? Would it be okay to do that later so we can keep our schedule? I'd appreciate it."

"Baby, did you clean my clothes for me? Thank you! I really appreciate all you do, and the hard work you did today. Can you tell me where they might be, or do you think I just misplaced them? How can I make this easier for you in the future?"

"Love, I know we've discussed this item before. This is important to me. If in the future you could just consider my own needs I will be happy to help you with this issue."

"I can see that you are meditating/relaxing. I know we said we have much to do today, but would you like some space for a little bit?"

"Honey, I love sleeping with you. I also like coming home to a nicely made bed. I'm in a hurry today, can you help me out by making the bed?"

"Hi baby, I see you're really into this game. Want me to watch it with you or can you come join me in the bedroom when it is over?"

"You know, sweetheart, you have a really unique perspective on this situation. There is another perspective that I noticed, would you like for me to share it with you?"

These statements are far more loving, express appreciation, respect, and terms of endearment, and show an active part in the problem. After all, we are in relationships to relate, right? The difference is that it takes a little more time to be accepting, and show some terms of endearment, and this is not easy when it is an item that is our own personal pet peeve. But our pet peeves are frequently not our partner's pet peeves. They will not hear us and will actually feel invalidated if we try to push our pet peeves onto them with harsh communication! Instead, using the path love, acceptance, and care builds the trust and relationship we seek. Also, by not making accusations (I statements instead of you questions or statements) we build considerably more trust.

In reading these, which did you feel more comfortable hearing? Were there any issues you felt particular relative to your own relationship? If so, try approaching with appreciation, acknowledgement, respect, and caring communications to show how much you accept your partner, prior to suggesting change, and see how much your trust in each other grows.